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Why Triathletes Are Well Prepared For A Zombie Apocalypse

Thursday, May 19th, 2011

While checking inventory at my bomb shelter this weekend, my mind got thinking. Triathletes are AMAZINGLY well suited to survive the zombie apocalypse.

First, let’s set some ground rules. When the zombie outbreak begins, we will not be talking about slow clubbed foot dragging zombies. These will be adrenaline fueled, flesh hungry, brain feasting killing machines. They will hunt you down and pick off the weakest and slowest in your party.

Think: 28 Days Later

 

Now, let’s get to my argument.

 

Willingness To Inflict Physical Damage On Complete Strangers

At any given race, even the slowest triathlete will admit to getting pleasure out of hunting down and outrunning another athlete who is trying desperately to keep pace, only to tear their own legs off. With that mentality, the act of decapitating infected strangers without blinking an eye will be as easy as pie.

Independence

While we can learn a lot from zombie movies, one thing is clear. Traveling with a large party won’t be good for anyone. To survive, choose your team wisely. And in some situations, that may mean stocking up on supplies and going solo. You know who else is well prepared to survive solo? Someone who spends months doing self sustained century bike rides and marathon runs. Stocked up with the right equipment and the “never stop” mentality of a triathlete is an unstoppable combination.

Taste

You know why most shark attack victims are just chewed and spit out instead of swallowed? Humans are not delicious. You know what is even less delicious? A super-lean shaved down human with -5% body fat. If you are traveling in a group, I guarantee you’ll be with someone far more delicious looking than yourself.

Survival Nutrition

The average triathlete can have over 200,000 calories worth of bars, gels, powders and drinks stocked away in their training cave. Need to board up and wait it out until the military arrives? You’ve got more than enough calories to keep yourself strong and ready to take down some undead creatures for weeks.

Endurance

Sprinting may save you for a while when you need a quick escape, but zombies don’t stop. They never stop. Ever. There is no better training for escaping zombies than triathlon. Keep moving, never stop and always stay ahead of them.

Transportation

Cars, trucks and busses may be great ways to get from point A to point B, but that isn’t very helpful when it is only hours until point B is overthrown by the undead as well. That is why versatility  is much more valuable than speed and protection. And what is more versatile than a bike or a pair of running shoes filled underneath a strong pair of legs? Hop fences, evade mobs or dash into the local mall for some supplies and you are covered.

Resistance To Infection

While it may be only a minor improvement in your chances in survival, triathletes have impecable immune systems. The ability to ward off the zombie infection is essential to survival. Your boosted immune system won’t save you if you have a chunk of flesh chewed off of your body, but there is a chance you may survive after a close call and shallow scrapes from the enemy.

Swimming

Zombies are relentless in their mission to feast on flesh and grow the hoard, but they are HORRIBLE swimmers. If you need to escape and are near a body of water, go for it. Zombies swim as well as a sack of potatoes. Water won’t keep you safe forever, but swimming your way to a clean escape will definitely keep you alive to fight a little longer.

Category : Triathlon

Tags: cardio, endurance athlete, triathletes, zombie apochalypse

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